There was a long silence between them, though it wasn't particularly uncomfortable. They were both people who were accustomed to silence. Janus because of his long years, and Serali because of her isolation in the village. As she sat she turned the past year's events over in her mind, and a thought came slowly bubbling up into her brain. It was a nervous sort of thought, and a sad one, but... She had never been able to talk about it to anyone. Her parents would never understand. Breck might, but then he might not, and if he didn't, she would still see him nearly every day. But Janus... he was old. And he'd mentioned being part of wars. And if he didn't understand, much as she would miss talking to him, at least she wouldn't have to see him all the time. And she wanted, deeply and yearningly, to tell somebody about it and hear that she hadn't done wrong. She didn't think about it much, but when she did it weighed on her.

She looked around, to be sure there was no one nearby who could overhear them. "Janus..." She tried to think how to say it. "Have you... have you ever killed somebody?"

He shot her a startled look. "I... yes. But why are you asking about that?" His thoughts were unspoken, but she could see some of them on his face. She was young, only twelve though she looked and acted older, and she had never delved into the realms of morbid curiosity and had never pried into his personal life either. So what reason would she have to ask?

"Because there was a man... He was an outlander named Patren. I don't think you ever met him. He lived here for a year or so. He..." She took a deep breath. "I was out walking by the edge of the world, and he found me. I think he'd come on purpose because he knew I went out there sometimes. He said he... he was going to... to..." she couldn't bring herself to say the word "rape," so she plunged on, speaking quietly. "I got away from him, but the only place I could run was the edge." She changed her story just a bit here. She would trust him with this revelation, because she desperately needed to trust somebody, but she wouldn't yet trust him with the other. "He caught me again, but I fought. I bit him and he let go and I... I tripped him. I didn't really mean to, I just wanted to get away, to get him away from me. I was angry and scared, but I didn't want to kill him. But he fell over the edge. They all thought he'd run away. They found out after he was gone that he'd been stealing from people, so they thought he'd run. But he didn't run away. He would have taken his horse if he did. He didn't run away, I killed him."

Janus absorbed this story in silence for a moment. "You feel guilty about it," he said.

"Yes."

He sighed. "You're very young to have such a burden. But yes, I've had to kill before. I don't like it. In fact I hate it, but there have been times..." he shrugged. "Well, times like what you just said, when there was something bad happening, and it had to be stopped, and even though killing wasn't what I wanted, in the course of doing what had to be done, I had to take another's life."

"What do you do about it?"

"Go on, mostly. There's nothing to do. With other wrongs done you can make restitution, but you can't restore a life taken. I try to balance it with good, and do what I can to guard life, but that's all that can be done. Eventually the memory of it fades, at least a little, and you stop dreaming about it and thinking about it, and it's just one more bit of the past, but I don't think you ever forget entirely. But then I don't think I'd want to be the kind of person who could kill someone and then forget about it. Life is life. I take the lives of evil men when I must, but I still regret each one." He smiled sadly at her then. "It says much of you that you can regret the death of a man who tried to rape you. Many would not."

"It's what you said. He was an evil person, but he was still a person. I..." she almost said "I hate being called a monster and not a person," but realized just in time how much that would give away. "I don't think I would like it, if somebody thought I wasn't a person. It wouldn't be right. And it's not right to say he wasn't either, no matter how bad he was."

Janus nodded. "I wish I could do more for you. If you were religious I'd say talk to a priest or cleric, but I don't think you are."

"No. Religion has never seemed quite right for me. I know the Creator is out there somewhere, of course, but... what has He to do with my life?"

"More than you might think," said Janus, with a strange sort of smile. "But in any case, there are no such here, I know. So I suppose I will have to do as a confessor. Though I don't know what sort of penance I'd assign."